Here's how you write a scientific paper, fast
Well, fast-ish. You still gotta write the words. Look, this is a rough guide, it's not magic.
You’re a busy scientist. You’ve got experiments to run, lab meetings to cry about, hypotheses to formulate, data to analyse and grants to chase. You gotta science, ffs! The last thing you want to stress about is writing a paper that’s just going to suck like 99% of all academic papers out there.
So don’t. Stop stressing. It’s not as hard as you think – you’ve done all the bloody work, that’s the hard bit. Okay, ready? Here we go.
Abstract
The abstract is the first and, let’s be honest, the most crucial part of the paper. It’s what editors will look at to determine if your work is worthy. More importantly, it’s the only part most people will ever read. It’s the summation of a ton of work.
Yeah, this is way too hard to write now. Fuck that. Come back to this later.
Introduction
The Introduction – NOPE! STOP! You can’t introduce a paper you haven’t written yet. I know you want to open with that fateful line, “There is currently a paucity with the literature pertaining to….” Bleeuurrgghh. Don’t do that you chump. I’ll come back to how to avoid shit-awful phrases like this, but for now, leave the introduction as well.
Two sections deep and you haven’t even written anything! See, easy.
Methods
Ahhh good old methods. You know this section all-too-well. Get those details down. And don’t be that “Assays were carried out according to protocols established in Johnson and Whatshername, 19 aeons-ago,” person. Everyone hates that person. Don’t make people find another paper to understand your paper. Get all the good stuff you need down. And while we’re here…
A quick note on you
Take some credit! Impart some action. Less of this “Assays were conducted via this thing” and more of “I (or we if it was a team effort) ran this wicked cool assays to test for if stuff was even there.” You did the stuff – tell the people! The assays weren’t run by some disembodied entity (I assume). You did them. Take credit for your hard work.
Okay, one section down.
Results
Yep, you know these as well. Hey, you might even have some bloody good ones! No? Well, negative data is still data. Suck it, PI. Get ’em all in there.
Don’t discuss the results here , save that for the discussion (obvs). Think about when to use a figure and when to explain things. Pictures say a thousand words or paint a picture, or some crap like that, apparently, so save yourself from rambling on and explaining every change in every data point. Instead, use figures to show data trends and use results to show summaries. Don’t duplicate effort. We’re all sick of reading through impenetrable paragraphs overflowing with dozens of parentheses, p-values, and +/- ranges. Bash it in a figure or maybe a table. Give readers the crux of it in words. You’ll have my thanks. Everyone will thank you. Get ready for your new-found popularity, Captain Brevity.
Discussion time
There’s a tried and tested formula here:
Recap the point of all this
Hit ’em with the primary result and address the point (you still remember the point of all this, right? Hello?)
Rattle off any additional results
Tell your readers how this relates to other work and maybe slot in how you’ve smashed stuff that’s gone before
Add in anything weird that happened and limitations
Wrap up with next steps (not “and now I’m going to have a much-needed cry, bottle of wine and thank fuck this is over before I get out of the lab and into the sunlight to pursue my dream of being unemployed!”) and then some bigger picture stuff
BOOM
Now actually introduce this stuff
You know the ending and all the plot twists so this should be a breeze. Don’t go all in with spoilers and give up the goods right away. Tell a story. This is about narrative. Make people give a crap. But get to the point. This isn’t your thesis introduction (which is also too long. Trust me. Go edit it. Now), so no one needs a rundown of all existing literature from the past 30 years.
What’s the problem? Why is it a problem and how come no one can figure it out? Why are you so smart, Smarty McSmartypants? Mention those people who had a crack at solving it (but failed – LOL). Mention your groundbreaking, earth-shaking, super-hot novel way you blew this case wide open. And end with “I did this stuff to show how this thing works.” Add in a one-line, big money, implication statement to close: “This completely changes how we view the whole process – you’re welcome!”
Easy peasy. See, we’re nearly done.
Abstract again
Just take the best bits from all the sections you’ve now written – you’ll be pleasantly surprised by how quickly you finish this section. And how much better it sounds than if you started with it.
And just like that, you’re done. You really are bloody welcome, you beautiful sausage!
At a loss for words? Don’t worry, I’ve got plenty.
Give me a shout